Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
