those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
