How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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