"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
