According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
