Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Randomize
