Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
