As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
