mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
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i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
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He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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