the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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