You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
