I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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