Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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