Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
