If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
