just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
