You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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