As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
