Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
