why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
i believe in u and ur pee
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