I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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