He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
