after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
