Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
