Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
