i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
