I want to make a zoo with you.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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