I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
