my phone needs a breathalizer
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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