I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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