Old men and throwing up are my life now.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
my shit smells like andre
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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