I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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