dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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