I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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