True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
