I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Actions speak louder than pants.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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