Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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