Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
