Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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