At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
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