My liver just broke up with me...
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
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