Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
