M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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