i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
where does the pee come out of this thing
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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