Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
