when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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