Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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