I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
