he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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