Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I need to align my fucking chakras
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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