some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
