Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
