I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
