I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
