stop calling my apartment porn island.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Randomize
