New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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