Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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